Fangs and Weenies
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: Laxus has an embarrassing injury and he does not want you to talk about it, so just don't, okay, guys? - One-shot.


"Laxus has an embarrassing injury and he does not want to talk about it, okay? So no one bring it up, alright?"

This on it's own might have seemed like some sort of mocking statement, dripping in sarcasm and begging for further inquiry, but it was coming out of the mouth of Mirajane Strauss in her simplistic sincerity. Her typical bright grin wasn't at it's fullest illumination and she seemed a bit troubled, even by her own words.

It didn't help that immediately following her words the slayer, who'd been his typical brooding self beside her only moments before, made the face of having sucked on the most sour of lemons before letting out a deep growl of, "Demon."

But he wasn't declaring her this (he felt it was rather obvious, especially given the past moment, that she was with certainty one), but rather using his most affectionate of terms in a rather demeaning way, his tone carrying a darkness that typically was not waged towards the woman he otherwise spent his days doting upon. At his sharp words, she looked stricken, eyes watering as she looked up at him.

"I was just making sure, dragon," she complained softly, "that they didn't ask."

"They wouldn't have known," he growled right back, "had you not said anything at all."

The they in question, his most faithful followers and her two dorky siblings, all blinked around the table at one another, absorbing the tidbits of information provided in separate ways. Lisanna and Bickslow, who'd only moments before been having something of an argument over what smelled worse, coffee or tea (one was nectar of the gods, the other was dirty water; they just couldn't jointly decide which was which), decided to shelve their argument for the better one before them; just how had Laxus gotten this embarrassing injury. Evergreen and Elfman, who were having a very heated argument in regards to how much of a man he was or was not (and oh, they were just getting started), continued on with this discussion, but did pay some mind to what was truly important; where Laxus had gotten his embarrassing injury. And Freed, poor Freed, who'd known it was a bad idea, to agree to this lunch between the group of them, only took in the biggest of breaths to face what he was certain was the biggest takeaway from Mirajane's revelation; that the day would _not_ be ending on a high note.

Mirajane, at her boyfriend's words, blinked back her tears and even nodded, just a tad, considering them before the grin on her face spread to it's fullest as she giggled, that silly girlish one she'd kept hidden for so much of her childhood.

"Oh, yeah," she agreed with the man as he only seethed beside her. "I guess you're right."

Bickslow snickered along with the woman, tongue falling from his mouth as his babies, not ones to behave themselves well anywhere, including the diner they'd all found themselves gathered about in, obnoxiously began to laugh along with the man. Their father jeered through his own laughter as he said, "Boss, what kinda things you doin', eh? To get injured?"

"In an embarrassing way," Lisanna was quick to add with a smile on her lips while Laxus' dark eyes turned to dart between the pair. "I can think of a few embarrassing situations, but-"

"Oh, Lissy, don't," Bickslow was quick to interject. "If you're imaginin's are anything like mine, it's better not to think of 'em, eh?"

"If they're anything like mine," Evergreen remarked, her eyes falling away from her boyfriend to eye Laxus, "they're at least interesting."

"Meaning what?" Elfman complained as, with one more growl, Laxus finally moved to pull one of the final two chairs from the table, gesturing for his girlfriend to take her seat. As she did so with a giggle, her older brother only remarked, "Don't sexually harass Laxus. He's my brother."

Admittedly, Freed was not expecting that one. Choking a bit on his coffee, he glanced around at the table to judge the reactions of the others before finally remarking openly, "I do not believe that was their intention. Although-"

"It certainly wasn't mine," Lisanna was quick to add, taking in the disapproving looks of her siblings. Well, Elfman was kind of annoyed, at Evergreen, and would use anything to knock her down a peg anyways, while Mirajane was mostly confused by his assertion, but she really wanted off the subject as quickly as possible. Skating around sexual topics? Sure. Falling through the ice into them? Not pleasant. Especially not when the undertones were so dark.

"Were you uncomfortable, boss?" Bickslow sucked his tongue right back into his mouth. "Apologize, Ever."

Never. About anything. At all.

"Yeah, Ever," Elfman was quick to add. "Apolo-"

"Don't make your life more unpleasant than it already seems," Freed cautioned the large man as Evergreen was only distracted from making it so by Laxus quick words.

"It wasn't sexual," Laxus was growling at them all as he slammed down in his own chair. "Is that what you perverts want to hear?"

It wasn't what the waitress, who'd been headed over to the table to take their orders, wanted to hear which is probably why she quickly turned on her heels and busied herself with another. Shock value was lost, however, on the assembled group, save Mirajane who blushed while making a face at the slayer.

Bickslow though just cackled as he said, "It's not what I wanted to hear, boss, no."

"Wait, are we talking about the harassment?" Elfman questioned as he bright a finger up to his head, scratching a bit as he thought. "Or the injury?"

"The sexual," Lisanna snickered into her hand, "injury."

"I just fucking said-"

"Laxus," Mira warned at his growl and the man only went back to sulking, arms folded over his chest as he wished for his soundpod. His girlfriend did reach over though, to pat at his arm. Her tone much more serious now, when she addressed the others and said, "He didn't injury himself while we were...having...sex."

No one was enjoying the tide of the conversation then, other than Bickslow of course, tongue finding its way right back out of his mouth as he said, "Some solo action then, I take it, boss?"

"We are," Freed remarked sternly as Laxus shot the seith a look and Bickslow nearly choked on his own cackle, "in mixed company."

"When has that ever stopped any of you?" Evergreen remarked with a frown.

Lisanna had fallen eerily silent however as, rather than continuation to egg on her boyfriend like normal, she found herself staring across the table at her sister's, eyeing the slayer heavily. Already bothered by the accusations being hurled his way, he found her gaze the tipping point.

"What?" he growled in her direction for, oh, probably the first time, but Lisanna only blinked in reproach as Mirajane looked to him in something of a warning then.

"Behave," was her single warning.

It was enough though, as the slayer was fully conditioned to it. He lost some of his tension though, still bothered, he continued to return Lisanna's stare.

"Well?" he insisted in a tone that Mirajane must have decided was appropriate to use with her younger sister. But still, Lisanna didn't back down.

"I was just observing," she replied as the slayer narrowed his eyes. "I think I know exactly where you're injured, Laxus."

He stifled some and Mirajane, knowing that she was for certain going to have to hear about how she'd caused all this later that night from the man, considered her own fate in all of this. If the past was any indicator, this would inevitably lead to Laxus intermingling the teasing he was getting currently with some sort of previous trauma suffered in his childhood.

And she could not hear another story about snowmen.

She just couldn't.

"How, Lissy?" Bickslow began to eye the man as well, no longer leaning comfortably (perhaps a bit too) in his chair and instead slamming it down onto all four legs of the it right back down as he leaned forwards now, pushing his visor up so he could study his idol as well. "I'm practically an expert on the boss's body, yeah? And I'm just not picking up on-"

"You're what?" Elfman questioned with a glance of his own, but it was at the seith instead.

"So is Ever," Bickslow defended. "And Freed. You don't spend hours upon hours around a person, looking over every single aspect of their life without becoming an expert."

"Speak," Evergreen complained as she produced a fan and hid the bottom half of her face behind it, "for yourself."

"He's right though," Lisanna kept up. At the woman of stone's glare, she was quick to laugh kind of and add, "I just mean, it's because I spend so much time with him that I noticed-"

"You spend a lot of time with Laxus now, do you, huh? Lissy?" Bickslow wasn't jealous though. No. More proud. Sniffling, he wiped at his eye. "Hear that, babies? Lissy's joined the dark side. She took realizes the boss's many fascinating features."

"His what?" Elfman asked, glancing over the man himself, hoping to see what every other person at the table did, between Mira's love and all the other's apparent infatuation. He just wasn't getting much out of it though. "Hey, Laxus, show me a fascinating feature."

"Would you shut up, Elfboy?" Even though he hadn't really said (or done) much that day, Laxus was most annoyed with him. Mainly because, as previously mentioned, Mirajane made getting annoyed with Lisanna pretty much off limits. Elfman though he had something of leeway. "You're on my fucking nerves."

"Hey!" Elfman wasn't one to take being dismissed well, however. "I defended you, before. Cause we were brothers."

"We ain't fucking brothers."

"Please, everyone," Bickslow begged. "Don't fuck your brothers."

"I have a very pressing engagement." Freed began to rise even though, so far, his lunch had just consisted on guzzling a glass of water while trying to ignore the other's lunacy, "that I just remembered-"

"Then it ain't," Laxus growled, refusing to be left alone with all of them; then he would surely be outnumbered, "that pressing now, is it?"

"Oh, I get it." Mirajane beamed brightly all of a sudden. "Bickslow. That was a play on words. You don't really think anyone here does that, you were just joking."

"Oi, Mrs. Boss, you wound me." He patted at his chest. "You and Lissy are the only one with a brother here, at the table, and well, to think I'd sacrifice the two of you for the sake of a joke-"

"I really don't find it too hard to believe," Evergreen remarked though she was still eyeing Lisanna.

With good reason. If she transitioned into the Thunder Legion lifestyle then, well, there just might not be room for Ever anymore. She valued her relationship with Freed above all (and fine, maybe the one she had with Bickslow as well), but she also knew how much sway the seith had over the rune mage. If Bickslow suddenly decided Lisanna was a much better fit for the only female position on the Thunder God Tribe then, well, Freed could certainly possibly swayed. Especially if Lisanna's Laxus information was more up to date than Ever's. Given the fact she now spent most of her days arguing (flirting) with Elfman, this very well might be possible.

What horror.

"I thought I had a brother at the table," Elfman fumed, too bothered by this to question the seith's motives, "but I guess I was wrong."

"Uh, can I get back to what I was talking about?" Lisanna even raised her hand a bit, just to try and regain control. "Because I definitely am not and will never be interested in any of Laxus'...features."

As Ever breathed a sigh of relief, Mira only realized this would only spawn another complex for the slayer, who she'd then have to hear whine about how he wasn't attractive enough anymore. Or something to that affect.

"Really?" Bickslow was disappointed. "But they're so fascinating!"

"I was actually talking about you," Lisanna explained as she looked up at her boyfriend then. "Bickslow."

And that time, as he swallowed his tongue back into his mouth and allowed his visor to fall back over his eyes, there was very little play in his attitude anymore as he only smiled, a real one for once, no snarky or creepy comment hidden beneath it.

As the others took this in with their own biases (Freed and Laxus, once more, questioning if Lisanna really was in love with the seith or having just fallen victim to his eye enchantment, Mirajane grinning herself, truly, at the idea of her sister so in love, Evergreen trying to hide the fact she was, at the very least, pleased that Bickslow had finally found someone, and Elfman, poor Elfman, still too torn up about apparently not having a brother to care much), Lisanna was quick to step right back in and crush all of Bickslow's hopes and dreams.

Err, well, she didn't let him revel in her admonishment for long, at least.

"I spend so much time around you, Bickslow," she informed them all, "that I picked up on some things."

"What kinds of things?' he asked, all geared up for some sort of praise. "Lissy?"

"Your tongue."

Freed was done. With all of them. But he was also at least somewhat curious as to what this had to do with Laxus (plus, maybe at least a little bit, he did enjoy their obnoxious behaviors…), so while he did make a face at Lisanna's assertion, he did find himself listening for the explanation.

Taking in the doubting glances of the others (as well as the side ways ones that Laxus and Mirajane exchanged), Lisanna only insisted, "Bickslow's always letting it hang out, from his mouth, when he gets excited."

"She's right," Bickslow agreed with a solemn shake of his head. "Gotta flash the guild mark. Show off my proudest accomplishment."

"Your proudest accomplishment was robbing my grandfather as a child and me and him taking so much pity on you, we let you into the guild?" Laxus griped, but Bickslow only nodded.

"Oi, boss, I can hear the pride in your tone!"

"But because he's so excited," Lisanna was keeping up, "sometimes he accidentally bites it. And when he does bad enough, he talks that same way you are, right now, Laxus."

"How am I talking?" he challenged, angry.

"Ho' dam ay 'alkin'?" Evergreen mimicked, like her mouth was full of marbles.

About right, Laxus figured, given she'd clearly lost hers, to challenge him. This seemed to dawn on the woman about then, who lowered her fan and grinned sheepishly at the slayer, but it didn't matter. Lisanna wasn't relenting.

"Admit it, Laxus," she accused with a heavy finger that, had he not been so shocked by the clear accuracy of her assertion, Freed might have punished her for wagging in the direction of his idol. "You bit your tongue and are now embarrassed about it."

For a moment, the whole table considered this as deeply as any of them could consider anything. Elfman, even, relented on his stewing just to add his own remark.

"Not much of a manly thing," he replied his opinion to no one, really, given it hadn't been requested. "Being such a weenie about something like that."

"Weenies!" Bickslow slammed his hand to his forehead, looking around. "We're here for lunch! Hey, we ever going to get serviced, huh?"

"Bickslow," Ever hissed a this behavior as the waitress, used to their weekly Thunder Legion, Strauss sibling meet up, gave them her typical dirtiest of looks.

Freed however only glanced between Mirajane and Laxus before asking, "Is it true then? All of this was merely about...biting one's tongue?"

"No. Shut up." Laxus was still extremely pissy, clearly. "All of you."

"Behave, dragon," Mira sighed. Just as quickly though, she said, "Yes, he bit his tongue. But no, that wasn't the embarrassing-"

"Mirajane-"

":What, Laxus? Why can't I tell them that they didn't guess it?"

"Because it's not a game, woman! It's my life!"

"Stop yelling at me. You're the one that's so embarrassed about your stupid teeth! You big jerk!"

AS Mirajane buried her head in her hands and, after a long groan, Laxus took to patting her awkwardly on the shoulder while muttering his apologies, the others took a moment to, once more, glance between themselves.

"Your," Lisanna finally prompted when it was clear Mira's tears were as fleeting as ever, "teeth, Laxus?"

"Shuddup." He was too busy worrying about how he'd clearly hurt his demon's feelings to care anymore about their idiots. "All of you."

"What about his teeth?" Bickslow cared little for tears or dramatics (that weren't his own) and only began to press his girlfriend's sister. "Mirajane?"

Sniffling, she lifted her head then. "No. I promised dragon that I wouldn't-"

"Might as well fuckin' tell them," the slayer grumbled as, the worst of her emotions behind then, he went back to sulking. "Take it in then, you fucking morons. All of you. Yes. My incisors are too long. And my canines too sharp. Yes. When I get angry or passionate about something, sometimes they grow slightly. And no, I am not always able to account for this and sometimes bite my tongue, very badly, and yes, there is blood and no, I don't care about any of your opinions of me so fuck off!"

He felt relieved, completely, of his burdens, and the next breath he sucked in filled him with extreme contentment. As Mirajane blinked away her remaining tears, she did grin, just a bit, at the stares from the others before reaching over to poke with little fear at Laxus' cheek.

"Dragon," she explained, still poking at the cantankerous slayer, "has fangs. And they're so cute!"

"Mirajane," he warned.

"They are," she insisted. "We were very busy, you know, now that we adopted that cat? And it was finally learning to use it's litter box- Well, it was digging in it, anyways, and Laxus was very excited for his kitty and I was too, really, and then I told him that, you know, if you can potty train a cat, you can probably do it with a baby too. Or even better, a dog! And then he started to get annoyed with me, because he loves his kitty so much and that's fine, but I want a baby or a dog and we were getting kind of heated in our discussion and he was getting all pumped up, because he knew he was losing the argument because I'm right, a baby or a dog would really complete our apartment, and then he bit his tongue, really hard, and it was bleeding and I was worried he'd bit it off, but it clotted, eventually, so now, we both agreed, a kitty, dog, and a baby is definitely the best combination. Or, well, I decided. Laxus had trouble speaking for all of last night, so he didn't say much. You agree with me, don't you, dragon?"

Laxus felt like the one who wanted to cry then. Cry for the situation he'd gotten himself in. You fall for a demon and you never get back up. What an awful, horrible scenario to find yourself in.

But as he was considering his fate, the others were considering the words of his girlfriend, who was giggling, fully over her tears by then, at the idea of, in the very near future, finding herself not only the very proud cat mother she was today, but hopefully the dog and baby mother of tomorrow!

Freed, however, was able to find his voice and put into words what most of the others were thinking.

"What," he asked slowly, "goes on at you two's apartment?"

"Nothing," Laxus grumbled around his wounded tongue and clearly resentment of this portion of his life being aired, "good."

"Yet," Mirajane warned the others who were in varying degrees of doubt.

"This was a great lunch." Evergreen got to her feet then. "But I think I'm full."

"We haven't gotten anything yet," Elfman complained though, he too, found himself getting to his feet.

"I've had," his girlfriend insisted, "my fill."

And, well, now brother-less and really questioning if he even wanted Laxus to ever really be his brother (this tooth story did not paint the slayer in too highly of a light), he followed along Evergreen, realizing at least somewhat he was lucky in this.

Now that Laxus was mad, he was definitely going to make the others pick up their own checks.

Which is why, getting back to the menu, Bickslow was aghast at the prices.

"And no weenies," he grumbled as he glanced over the menu once more, just to be sure while his own girlfriend only sighed. "What nerve."

Freed though looked to Laxus then, somewhat curious as he asked, "So did your cat learn to use it's litter box or-"

"No," he grumbled. "It still fucking hasn't."

"So we're not ready for that baby just yet," Mira conceded. "But soon. I can feel it."

"Not too strongly, I hope," Lisanna teased and Laxus only groaned, wishing suddenly he'd been able to escape with Evergreen and Elfman.

As horrible as the pair were, at least they didn't look to him for a constant source of amusement. Everyone at the table, however…

"I didn't even get to tell you, Lisanna," Mirajane was going on then, "about the wedding."

"Whose?" her sister questioned right back.

"Ours," she said, gesturing between her and the once more grumbling Laxus. "If we're gonna have a baby, then we have to-"

"Can we ever just talk about something, Mira, between just the two of us? Without sharing it with it with absolutely everyone? Huh?"

"They're not everyone, Lax," she told him with a bright grin and shining eyes. "They're our family."

Looking over them, from the way Bickslow was whispering to Lisanna, no doubt trying to figure how to get out of paying for their meal, and Freed, supposedly so busy before, was awaiting more juicy gossip from the lips of the oldest Strauss, and Evergreen and Elfman, gone from the table, yes, but visible then, through the windows of the diner, arguing with one another once more, Laxus found he'd liked it much better, when it was just him, on his own.

"Aren't they?" Mirajane's hand came over again, but this time it was just to brush against his cheek gently and get his gaze back on her. Her eyes were always so captivating and held onto his with such ease. "Dragon?"

"Yeah, I guess they are," he sighed in defeat as he subtly nuzzled his hand into her touch. "Demon."


End file.
